So Many Things....

There are so many things that happened these past few days. So many emotions.

I've started to realize that I have a sudden dislike for people. I view most 'regular' people to be shallow and slow. Case in point:
I was at the Royals game and the whole time, this guy was saying stupid shit and was using really vulgar language in a comedic way. And everyone around me thought he was the funniest person on the face of the planet. Because we all know that when you say, "Oh, his name is Shin-Soo Choo? Does he say his name when he sneezes?", you're the most hilarious thing. Because toilet humor and racist humor is effin' funny.

Plus, I've decided I have major trust issues. I don't know if it's me just feeling like I can't connect with guys anymore, or if it's just my past fucking me over. I just don't believe it when people tell me that I'm an angel or a great person. I almost can't stand it when someone says I'm an angel. I truly feel like no one means it and that it's just them trying to make me feel better. I don't need to feel better, I just need the truth. I need the unadulterated version of how you feel about me.

My Dream

I have a penchant for extremely odd dreams. If one is increasingly odd, I'll post it for your viewing pleasure. I'm just cool like that. ;-)

So!
Last night, I dreamt that I was in a high school classroom. We were getting a new teacher and she ended up being a very staunch environmentalist. She came into the room dressed in a pink wind breaker. I started to ball up a bunch of plastic bags to put them into one bag to save for later. She sneered at me and told me that I need to ball them up correctly. I told her that I was doing what I could to protect the environment and that I knew what I needed to do. She then huffed out fo the classroom and my math teacher came in to take over for her.
Later, I was at lunch and she was giving me crap and giving me less portions than the other kids. I told her sternly that she needed to treat me like an equal. Then, she started to yell at me and the SRO officer came to take me away. I kept telling him that I wasn't upset with her, but rather how she kept treating me as holier than thou.

Any thoughts?

Ambergris!!!!

So, they found the Montauk Monster.......Again. I think we need to stop freaking out about the two carcasses we've found and focus more on the heinous events going on at Plum Island!!!

Plum Island is an animal disease testing site. Basically, they make animals get sick and try to make them well again. It's the site where Lyme Disease was originated. Yeah..... sick stuff.

I'm waiting for my new computer to get back from my friend. He's getting all of the trial stuff off of it, so I can put my own virus protection system on it.

A Couple of Things

I will no longer mope. Nothing comes to someone who doesn't move. They only gather fat and moss. I choose to move and be successful.

Uhmmm.... What else? Oh! I got a new computer today. So now I can officially make the statement, "I don't know which computer I want to blog with." (Toothpaste for Dinner. Check it out. It's pretty effin' hilarious.)

I hung out with a couple of friends last night, so I feel pretty good. I still smell like tobacco, which makes me pretty happy. I don't smoke, but my two friends do. I like the smell because of the good memories I have attached to them and to the smoke.

I also decided that the three of us are very homoerotic. C.J. and Nathan are both straight.

How I Know We're Homoerotic:
-We play video games shirtless
-We have muscle definition due to dance.
-We dance.
-We wear tights around each other in public. Dance belts in private. (look them up)
-We are huggy people. Just are. It happens sometimes.
-Aaaaaannnnnnddddddd Nathan and I may or may not have shared a bed in a completely NON-sexual way last night. Yeah.

A.J.

A Pissy Day, I Guess...

Currently, I'm listening to "Cosmia" by Joanna Newsom. The sound is getting altered by Stephen Colbert yacking on about something idiotic. God, I hate his style of comedy. He pays too much attention to himself. It's annoying. The one thing that I can't stand more than lying is vanity. Too many gay guys in this world are focused about themselves.

But that's not why I decided to write today. I woke up to my mother saying, "To hell with you. You don't matter."
You see, I had overslept by a lot. I was up until six in the morning last night just worrying. Feeling sad about life, wishing something would change, wishing a person would actually make a concrete decision, wishing I could muster the strength for an ultimatum. Thoughts like that cause a person to stay up until the break of dawn.

It's not the first time that someone told me that I didn't matter. It seems more and more people think that. I haven't changed any of my habits. I haven't changed my thought pattern. But for some reason, the authority figures in my life feel as if I have no place in their life anymore.

I've been used multiple times. I've been baited and switched. I've been promised grand things only to have them ripped away from me. I've learned not to trust people. But with that lesson, I've also learned to cut myself off of my own emotions. I have a very strong fear of eventually becoming stoic. But every time I muster up the courage to actually like someone or to be truly happy, something happens to shoot me down.

I feel so stuck and all I truly want is to leave. Sometimes, I wonder if Wichita is far enough. Maybe I need to move to a different time zone. Then, I won't even be in the same hour as the things that upset me.

I dunno. I'm just ranting.

My Poetry

Some of my poems:

Words:
Words seem to be such a simple concept.
They travel from one universe to the next,
Forever expanding across infinite parallels,
Alien Worlds,
Foreign Soil,
Strange Air.
An intelligent alphabet of emotions dance across
Our arms as our mouths open and close, providing the music.
Our entwining legs provided the bridge.
And our tongues were the cables.
And my heart drove across to visit your's
While your's had already arrived at my soul-house.
We'll meet in the middle.
Then where from here?

Sissy:
So, I sleep hereIn a 3x3x2 box.
Did nothin’ to deserve it.
So why am I here?

Got slapped around a few times.
A five fingered tattoo
Across my right cheek.
All so I’d grow up straight.

"I won’t have no sissy!"
The words screamed across the room.
Never really understood what they meant.
After all, I was only three.
So you fought with me,
And you won.
Good job!
No more faggot son.



Why Drinking Soda Is Bad For You:
Drinking a Fanta,
The gas bubble in my heart
POPS
And I bleed on my stomach.

You told me I never really was
Stable.
There.
Lucid.

So maybe I’m a dream?

So I go home
And stare at myself in the mirror.
I’m
Thin.
Thinner.
Until I’m wasting away.

But I won’t go to the doctor.
He’ll tell me I have a
Starry crab.
Or was it a Tropic?

So I’ll just sit here
Unstable.
Absent.
Vacant.
Evanescent.

Drinking a Fanta.



(At Least in a Perfect World):
You! who spent the night in a 4ftX3ft
Hollow cage
Reach for the incandescent ball of gas
(Perhaps it is a star)
And turn it into a sweater for Casual Friday.

A sweet-smelling toffee
Placed precariously upon my pink tongue.
Yet, I find no satisfaction.

I! who must wallow in a pool of lies
(the ones I had purged from my soul)
Maybe the moon might be able to kiss me
If I could only
Reach

Take Heart! and know that I can be your
Stone statue of friendship
And yet.

nothing…..

really…..

lasts…..

so it…..

matters…..

(at least in a perfect world)



(This, Poems About Him, Poems About You, is a collection of shorts with similar themes.)

Poems About Him:
I.
"I missed you" is what he said
And I gave a little smile.
Neither a "same here" or an
"I didn’t"
Could we call this emotional ambivalence?

II.
That picture I took of you.
God, it was so good!
I loved it so much.
But now, I keep it for the sake of art.

III.
Rarely was I
Against the
Power you
Enveloped me in…
God, I was a fool.

Poems About You:
I.
I’ll be love with someone.
I’ve never touched his skin.
Never seen his face.
Never heard his voice.
Yet, I’ll love him just the same.

II.
If I thought…
‘I’m broken’
He’d say...
"Aren’t jewels broken pieces of stone?"

III.
If I said…
"I’m terrible"
He’d be appalled and tell his friends,
"The words actually came from his mouth."

IV.
If I was…
Waiting at a red light,
I’d look down to fiddle with
The keys of my cell phone.
4*5683*9681
Send.



(Japanese, then translation)

Aoi Ame:
Aozora de
Fukisoku na kaze ga
Ame wo fuku

Blue Rain:
In the blue-hued sky,
An irregular wind
Blows the rain away.

Kaze to Hotaru:
Kaze ga neru
Hotaru ga odoru
Natsu te kanji

Wind and Fireflies:
The wind is sleeping.
The fireflies are dancing.
A summer aura.

What do you think?

What's In Store

I guess seeing as this is my first post, it'll also be my "What's In Store" post.

I am not perfect. Expect spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, and a stream of conciousness that is all my own. If you dislike it, I don't care to hear about it. I only want constructive criticism if you feel the need to criticize. I, for one, make it a point to not judge. I merely observe.

Which comes to what my blog is about and all that exciting stuff. I'm going to try and post something as often as I can. There will be times when I'll post everyday or even many times per day, and there will be times where I'll post once a month. Simply depends on where I am in my life and how busy I am.

My blog is my observations and my feelings. It'll be about my day, how I felt that day, who I talked to, what current events are affecting me, etc.

I'm a multi-faceted individual. I'm not going to pretend I'm one thing and only blog about that one thing. I will do whatever.

Thanks for reading my stream of conciousness.

A.J.